Dear Sociopath in Seattle,

You are living in the wrong part of the country! Sad but true. My only advice to you would be to book the next flight down to California where the "Prog Chicks" are much more plentiful and single members of this elite race of females are known to be prowling around. I know for a fact that your willingness to allow one of these YtseGals to scream "Oooh oooh ooh Petrucci! Petrucci!" in the bedroom is going to make you very popular among their ranks ,for men such as you are hard to find. As for the "Ring Toss" antics...darlin' what you do in the privacy of your own home is entirely up to you. You sick little monkey! Teehee. Do NOT, under any circumstance, have an affair with the neighbor's dog however, I do know a Jammer who can hook you up with an inflatable sheep with a replacable hymen!

All hail the elite Lady Jammers,
C.C. SoulShaker

Dear Dreamers/Seekers/Wishers/Romantics:

Usually someone writes to me with a problem of some kind and I do my best to help them but this note is to all of you because my heart is heavy and I consider you all my friends. I have some wisdom...some magic...some words to pass on.
As I sit here alone in my house, admiring the way the light is coming through the windows as the sun slowly sets, my heart is breaking. The man I knew as one of my best friends, my shoulder when I needed to cry, my advisor, and more than anything: my soulmate, is getting married tonight. He is marrying a beautiful woman that he loves and who will be the mother of his children. I am happy for him because he deserves the storybook ending. The elusive "Happily Ever After". But, at the same time my own heart aches and I try not to shed the tears which threaten to bring me to my knees tonight. There was a time long ago when I could have been with him but circumstance, cruel Fate, and terrible timing ruined it. I used to wonder how things would be if I would have told him how I felt then, instead of avoiding the issue and running from what my heart wanted. It would drive me insane if I kept pondering the What If's. This is now...this is how the story goes. I accept it.
Here is my advice to all of you, my friends. If you love someone...TELL THEM! Follow your heart, your passion, you innermost secret longings. Do not wait until tomorrow, until it's too late. Don't let the moment pass you by! I wish you all the "Happy Ever After" of yours dreams. It's yours.You deserve it.

Casting away the "What If?s",
C.C. SoulShaker